Stupid Statement Day          Chapter 8—Creating a Nation; Chapter 9—Society and Politics

Today, 16 October, is a day that will live in infamy.   You ask why?  Well, to-day is stupid statement day.  That means today is a day when your teacher hands you a sheet full of assertions about the content of a certain chapter, in this case chapters 8 and 9, and it is your job to destupify them. Here is an example:

            On April 16, 1789, George W. Bush was inaugurated.  While he was there, he bade adieu to Mount Vernon and his favorite TV show, Felicity.  He was so cocky, he brayed like a donkey about how good a naugurater he was.

            That is a stupid statement.

            Here is the way it should be written:

            On 23 April 1789 George Washington was inaugurated—which means he was sworn in to the office of the presidency.  He had mixed feelings about taking the job, sacrificing the comforts of private life to serve his nation—a task he thought he would be unable to achieve to the expectations of his countrymen.

            Now, you try.  Write your answers on separate sheets of paper.

                             Disclaimer!!! there are now 4 versions of the text, so some pages may be off!!

On October 10, 1788 the old confederates killed congress while yelling “sine die,”  a Latin phrase which means, roughly translated, kill signs.

John Adams suggested that the president should be called “His royal presidential presence that is way better than any other title for guys like that of these here united states” so that the president could be on a level with kings, queens, czars and shoguns around the world.

The Bill of Rites was intended to provide religious instruction to zealots in order to preserve the combination of church and state in the fine American tradition. 

Madison and Hamilton argued that the Bill of Rites was really important because it is better to be loved than feared, and besides, they wanted to bring about another constitutional convention.

The Jeffersonian republicans were really dangerous, because they liked to divide up federalists—literally, to divide them up, one by one, which can be really painful, or even fatal sometimes.

Alexander Hamilton had a serious problem with credit cards.  He even bought his groceries with credit cards.  Bad news.

Hamilton argued that overseas help was necessary to fight off Hercules, who was in a cradle with an infant.

Hamilton said the U.S. should ignore states debts, and maybe even the states, hoping they would just go away.  Madison loved the idea, and wanted to sell the territories to Napoleon.

Washington followed the practice of “implied powers,” which means that he liked to insinuate things rather than saying them directly.  He was considered necessary and quite proper, even to MC Hammer.

The Whiskey Tacks were used to hold jugs of whiskey in place during long wagon rides to the market.  The wagons were pulled by oxen, led by men who walked alongside the wagons.  It was really good excise.  This kind of excise became law in March 1791.

The Report on Manufactures listed different methods for making burlap and microwave popcorn—the kind with cheddar cheese.  Mmm.

Washington and Hamilton put down the whiskey rebellion by sending David Lennox and John Neville to talk to farmers near Pittsburg.  The farmers invited them in, and they all had a very nice time.  Later, Washington and Hamilton were invited to attend, along with the “Pennsylvania Blues,” a band of musicians who, well, they sang the blues.

Most Americans supported the notion of protecting Louis XVI, and even made him an honorary citizen.  They called him citizen Genet.

Some Americans were republicans, some federalists.  They shared the exact same views.  Really, they did.

Fisher Ames to catch fish.  That’s the whole point in fishin’.

Hamilton was stoned when he defended [Jay’s] treaty at a noonday mass meeting.  Your book actually says that.  Jay’s Treaty must have been a strange one indeed.

Pinckney got the Spanish to recognize the Pacific Ocean as the western boundary of the US.  I wouldn’t lie about a thing like that.

The Election of 1796 was smooth as can be, with good buddies John Adams and Thomas Jefferson agreeing to be co-presidents.  They even got about the same number of votes.  You could make a chart of all their common positions.  Cool.

Three men went to Paris.  Three men, let’s call them X, Y, and Z, met them there.  Talley ran, and Elbridge Gerry stayed behind, gratuitous outrage that it was.  Then Aliens appeared among them and they were all revealed as seditious traitors.  This made it really fun to criticize the government.

Adams was a heavy bettor, and tried to undermine Army in the Army-Navy football game of 1798 by withholding commissions to most of the army’s officers.

Madison resolved that Virginia (and Jefferson that Kentucky) would do all they could to support the Alien and Sedition Acts.  They cried “E.T. goes home.”

In 1800, Aaron Burr sucked the poison out of a toad and ate salamanders.  The bitter taste in his mouth caused him to miscast his vote, thus leading to the selection of Jefferson as president. 

The Election  0f 1800 divided the country into departments, thus a new fad called sectionalism became associated with the wearing of black cockades.

In the wooden age, a revolution broke out, and men refused to use tools unless they were made of wood.  Why?  Cause they liked wood, dude.

(chapter 9 starts here)

During the early years of the nineteenth century, thousands of people like Mary and James and Ben and Phyllis seized whatever belongings they could carry from the backpacks of high school students and headed off to Iceland to harvest a new type of tobacco, which was then sent to mills to make high quality Icelandic cigars.  One such mill is shown on page 246 of the text—the new text.

Thomas Jefferson wore the dress of a plain citizen.  Chief Justice John Marshall was so embarrassed that he refused to attend the inauguration.  I mean, imagine seeing Jefferson in a dress.

Washington hired an infant to design his retirement home.  The infant was called Pierre.

A tribe of Federalists led by John Pickering assaulted juries and defendants; for this reason they were impeached—you know, given peaches and some vick’s cough drops.  Later, he got more.  You know, con vicksted.

Samuel Chase invented a special kind of bait.  His bait was so successful that he was impeached, and later, he quit.  That’s why they called him “aquitted.”

How utterly insignificant.

In 1803, Marbury wrote poetry that Madison loved.  This is called Marbury verses Madison…

Sixteen years later, Maryland tried to tax a branch that grew from a federal tree.  Marshall ruled that tacks were often bad for trees, removing their stroy.  That’s right—STRoY.  Marshall said no state can destroy a tree.

Jefferson really wanted to go to war—he said the tree of liberty needs to be refreshed with the blood of patriots—so he fought for the Federalist War Program.

Jefferson also had visions of clouds and farmers who said “Yeo, man!”

One windy day, Louisiana fell on top of James Monroe, who said “that was plenty potent”

(he was a plenipotentiary).  Anyhow, Monroe said hey, fugteddabowdit, gimme the whole thing.  Napoleon did.  For free.

In 1812, rebellion in Florida fomented a nex nation.  Hmm… In 1819, Spain seeded Florida with orange… seeds.  Not worms.  Seeds.

Now, think about this.  In 1803 (January) the US bought Louisiana.  Congress formally accepted Louisiana in April of 1803; the cession was ratified in October of 1803.  In the summer of 1803, Lewis and Clark left to explore it.  They arrived at the mouth of the Columbia river in 1805.  How far did the Louisiana Territory go?  And where is the Columbia River?

In 1800, 83% of the population was engaged.

Elkanah Watson was a big fan of Huck Finn—a huckster.

Rural houses burned 20 to 30 times faster than urban homes—so people moved to the cities between 1790 and 1830.  Wouldn’t you?

Hold on!  Wait a minute!! If that is true, then what is the map on p. 261 (the book) about?

Eli Whitney had a real problem.  With cotton and gin.  I guess he was a compulsive gambler.

The land ordinance of 1785 forbade Mike Fink to wrestle bears and alligators.

Henry Knox said that the soils should be taken from Indians whether they wanted it or not.

Looks like the Indians gave up their land readily, if you look at p.266.

Davey Crockett played with red sticks long before he fought at the Alamo.  Remember that?

1809—Leesburg Road, just outside Washington D.C.,--Benjamin is suddenly startled from a deep sleep.  Soon others woke up.  So began the Great Awakening.

By the 18 teen and twenties, the three poorest groups were bankers, athletes, and magicians.

John Backus divorced his wife for kicking and striking him.  Women had to present tails to de court to prevent de vorce. Sorry, I just can’t think of anything else.

Gabriel Prosser nipped a bud.

Look at the regions on page 274.  know them.

The war of 1812 was caused by the embargo act.  

The English felt bad for attacking us, and offered to prep the white house for a good white washing!

Andrew Jackson became a national hero when he sailed to Barcelona and said “I have not yet begun to fight.”

It was eerie when Perry turned the tide of the ocean around.

In 1820, Scooby Doo and Shaggy defeated a specter called sectionalism in Maine with the help of Missouri.

After seeing the second Scooby Doo movie, Jefferson had night mares about fire bells ringing all night.

Henry Clay and JQA  made a bargain (some say).   Many folks think it is fitting and proper that Jackson became pres even though Clay won the vote 84-99.  Who cares a bout pro basketball any how?